I don’t usually write much personal stuff here on the blog, preferring to be some kind of blogging superhero. Striking with rants from the shadows then slinking back to the bitch cave to plan another… Or something like that.
But, today is a little different. This little bloggy Xmas event has turned out rather special, with lots of fantastic posts about the community and the support it gives people. It is such an amazing thing to see it makes me feel truly special to be a part of and something I am quite thankful for. How thankful… Well…
While I am the ever optimist and jovial personality (except at 6am in the morning) this year has been a rather hard one for me and the hubby. As some may know a couple years back he hurt his arm at work and from then on has been in a weird limbo style zone of being out of work yet supported by work cover. It something that is paid but no where near the same amount. It is something but it has made this time a bit of a struggle financially. Yes we splurge occasionally, I used my tax money on the new computer but sometimes you need to do these kind of things to stay Sane. Now we are better off than many. We own our house which is great but it still places a lot of stress on you when your constantly watching your money and bills. It’s a lot of silly arguments that strain things far more than they should at times.
The other thing is of course me being kind of in charge of the house duties now. The one winged husband can only do a few things and so that’s me cooking and cleaning and all that other jujube that adults have to do. I hate it. It makes me so much more tired to have to do such things after coming home from a long day. You just want to relax sometimes but it’s not possible. I’ve also strained the tendons in my feet rather badly so it’s a lot of pain too.
The hubby has been rather needy as well, which is expected. He has been under a lot of stress with this too. Being hurt, money issues and plus almost being locked away at home for so long has had an affect on him. I try to support as well as I can but sometimes you just can’t. It’s too much. He needs it, he needs to be comforted and to talk but all I want to do is get in my little bubble and unwind. Relax a little and release whatever it is inside me and then I’m fine. I like my bubble but I just can’t that often any more. I’m far to empathetic at times as well and all of this tends to impart itself on me.
The other thing is my work situation at the moment. To say that I’m unhappy with it is an understated. Working in childcare is a rather stressful job, 12 toddlers to control and plan for but it is something you do because you enjoy it and the feelings of supporting these wonderful kids growth. I live for that and no other job I could do would ever compare. The place I’m at though is just falling apart and has had many issues that just haven’t been fixed for a while. Sparing the details, it is a place that makes me feel like it is neither supporting myself or the children and that is not a place I want to be. You can feel the morale drop too amongst the other staff and it kind of sucks the life out of you.
I had made plans a while ago to find a job in the new year but sticking it out has been trying. You do it for the kids mainly but yeh… Kinda sucks.
All this has added up to a year of struggling with depression a little. That unending sadness inside you just can’t push away. That overwhelms you and poisons your thoughts. With the situation as stressful and as ongoing it’s something I haven’t been able to get away from that much either. I’m not having those kind of thoughts, not ever but it is still having that effect of sucking the regular joy you feel out of things.
Now I’m not saying all this to get sympathy or bring down the event.. Far from it. I write this now to say that thanks to blogging and the wonderful people in the community. The wonderful people making me think about a wide range of topics, that let me share in their life, that make me laugh constantly are a shining star over it all. Gaming is a great stress relief tool but blogging, blogging and community is so much more than that.
It’s a hobby I could no longer give up on just because of how much it and the people around it mean to me. Each comment, each hit, each random link and of course being involved in these wonderful events. Writing has become akin to wrapping my insides in a big comfy doona, a little Eripilllar and snuggling in. It is wonderful kind of happiness that let’s me get out my feelings and thoughts, and feel a part of something maybe a little bigger that really helps in times like these.
So thank you everyone, and thank you for being a part of this all.
Merry Bloggy Christmas.